Everyday Practices That Strengthen Relationships

Updated: Sep 25

Relationships shift across the seasons of life. When you’re raising children, working long hours, or carrying stress together, conversations often shrink down to logistics — who’s cooking dinner, who’s paying the bills, who’s getting the kids to bed. Over time, couples may feel more like co-managers than partners.

Relationship researchers John and Julie Gottman have found that strong partnerships are built not only in big moments, but in the small, everyday rituals that keep people feeling connected. They suggest that even just six intentional hours a week — spread across greetings, affection, appreciation, and date nights — can make a noticeable difference in closeness.

Everyday Rituals of Connection

The Gottmans describe these as small but powerful practices:

Saying goodbye with curiosity about each other’s day.
Reuniting with a hug, kiss, and stress-reducing conversation.
Showing small moments of affection before sleep.
Expressing appreciation and admiration.
Setting aside time for date night.

These aren’t rules to follow rigidly, but practices that help couples feel more like partners again, not just managers of daily life.

The Bigger Picture: The Sound Relationship House

Beyond daily rituals, the Gottmans also describe the Sound Relationship House — a framework that captures the building blocks of lasting trust, love, and loyalty.

At the foundation are everyday practices like building love maps (knowing each other’s inner worlds) and sharing fondness and admiration. Higher up are skills like managing conflict, supporting one another’s dreams, and creating shared meaning. Holding it all together are the beams of trust and commitment.

It’s a way of seeing relationships not as static, but as something we build and maintain, one layer at a time.

A Weekly Check-In: The “State of the Union”

Alongside these daily rituals, the Gottmans also encourage couples to set aside one hour a week for what they call a State of the Union meeting.

The idea is simple: create a regular space to talk about how the relationship is going — not just what’s difficult, but also what’s going well. This isn’t meant to be a business-style meeting, but a gentle ritual that allows both partners to share hopes, concerns, and appreciations without feeling rushed.

Start with the positives. Share what you’ve valued in each other that week.
Move into challenges. Talk about what’s been hard or stressful, and how it’s been affecting you.
Listen and respond. Focus on understanding your partner’s perspective before jumping to solutions.
Close with care. End with appreciation or affection, so you both leave the conversation feeling connected.

It’s less about solving everything at once and more about building a rhythm of honesty, safety, and being heard. Many couples find that this hour helps prevent issues from building up and strengthens trust over time.

Staying Curious About Each Other

Another of the Gottmans’ core ideas is building what they call a Love Map: learning and updating your knowledge of your partner’s inner world — their hopes, stresses, values, and joys. Psychotherapist Esther Perel echoes this theme, noting that intimacy isn’t about knowing everything about your partner, but about staying curious about who they are becoming.

One simple way to explore this is through Love Map questions. They’re not about testing one another, but about staying connected to the details of each other’s lives — both the everyday and the deeper hopes, fears, and dreams.

These prompts can spark rich conversations, but they’re just one example. Many couples find that having a variety of questions to draw from helps keep things fresh and playful.

25 Conversation Starters to Deepen Connection

Here are some questions you might try, one or two at a time, woven into daily life:

Everyday connection

What felt meaningful for you this week?
What’s a small joy you noticed today?
When do you feel most relaxed with me?
What’s something I could do this week that would make your day lighter?
Which small ritual of ours would you like to keep or revive?

Appreciating each other

What qualities in me do you value?
When did you last feel really seen by me?
When do you feel proud of us as a team?
What’s a memory of us that still makes you smile?
How do you like to be celebrated or thanked?

Dreams & inner worlds

Which hopes feel alive for you right now?
What have you been daydreaming about?
Growing up, what did you imagine love would feel like?
What’s a story from childhood that shaped how you see relationships?
What feels most important in the next season of life?

Intimacy & care

How do you feel most connected — words, touch, time, play, or something else?
In conflict, what helps you feel safe with me?
What helps you know I’m here for you when things are hard?
What do you enjoy most about our physical closeness?
Is there something you’d like us to explore more in our intimacy?

Looking ahead

What would a nourishing weekend together look like?
If we could travel anywhere, where and why?
How do you imagine our life in five years?
Which values feel most important to carry forward?
What’s one small change we could try this week for more ease or joy?

Starting Small

You don’t need to try everything at once. Some couples enjoy experimenting with one or two questions each week. Others might start with a small ritual from the “six hours” framework — like a longer hug at the end of the day, or a few minutes set aside for appreciation.

And if your partner isn’t ready to sit down with structured questions, you can always start by reflecting on them yourself. Even that quiet noticing — of what you long for, or what helps you feel cared for — can shape the tone of your everyday interactions.

Where to learn more

20 Relationship-Building Questions for Couples (Gottman Institute blog)
Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love — a book by John & Julie Gottman with guided conversations on trust, conflict, sex, money, family, and more
Esther Perel TED Talk: The secret to desire in a long-term relationship