Understanding Blocked Care

A nervous system response, not a failure of love

Sometimes, caring for a child feels harder than expected. You might notice that you're going through the motions, feeling emotionally flat, or reacting in ways that don’t align with how you want to parent. You may feel disconnected from your child, or guilty for not responding with the warmth and empathy you once did. If this resonates with you, you’re not alone—and what you’re feeling has a name.

Blocked care is a recognised and reversible state that can occur when a caregiver’s nervous system becomes overwhelmed. It doesn’t mean you don’t care. It doesn’t mean something is wrong with you. It means your system has been under strain for too long—and it’s doing its best to protect you.

What Is Blocked Care?

Blocked care refers to a shift in a caregiver’s emotional system that makes it harder to feel connected, responsive, or emotionally attuned to their child. It often develops over time when parenting feels confusing, exhausting, or unsupported.

It’s not about love or effort—it’s about the nervous system adapting to long-term stress.

You might notice:

• Feeling emotionally flat or detached

• Going through the motions without joy

• Irritability, resentment, or guilt

• Worry that you're "not the parent I want to be"

• Questioning the relationship or feeling like you’ve lost your spark

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This can be deeply distressing—and it’s more common than many people realise.

Why Does Blocked Care Happen?

Blocked care can develop when a caregiver is operating in survival mode for too long—especially in situations where connection feels one-sided, unclear, or emotionally draining.

This might include:

• Parenting in the context of trauma, grief, or relational stress

• Ongoing burnout, isolation, or a lack of emotional support

• Caring for a child whose nervous system is often in distress

• Feeling like your efforts aren’t "landing"—even when you’re trying your best

• Supporting a child who expresses connection in ways that are subtle or different (e.g. less eye contact, fewer shared emotional cues, or needs that are hard to interpret)

• Having your own history of trauma, loss, or unmet needs

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Whether you're parenting a child with a trauma history, a neurodivergent child, or simply navigating a tough season—blocked care can emerge when you’ve been giving without enough emotional return or regulation. It’s not about fault. It’s about load.

What’s Happening in the Brain and Body?

Blocked care isn’t a mindset—it’s a nervous system response.

When it’s active:

• The amygdala (the brain’s threat detector) becomes more reactive

• The prefrontal cortex (which supports empathy, reflection, and problem-solving) becomes less accessible

• The oxytocin system (which helps support bonding and connection) quietens down

This combination shifts the brain away from connection and toward protection. It’s an adaptive pattern—your system choosing safety over closeness when things feel too hard.

Understanding Through a Polyvagal Lens

Polyvagal Theory (Dr. Stephen Porges) explains how the nervous system shifts between connection and protection depending on how safe or supported we feel.

You might notice yourself moving between:

Ventral Vagal (Connected and Engaged)

• A state of calm, curiosity, and empathy

• Feels open, flexible, and relational

Sympathetic (Fight or Flight)

• A state of hyper-alertness or reactivity

• Feels edgy, anxious, or easily overwhelmed

Dorsal Vagal (Shutdown or Withdrawal)

• A state of disconnection or collapse

• Feels numb, hopeless, or checked out

Blocked care often involves cycling between these states, making it hard to stay present, reflective, and connected.

How Can Blocked Care Be Shifted?

The good news: blocked care is reversible. With awareness, support, and small, sustainable changes, caregivers can reconnect—with themselves and with their child.

1. Support Your Own Regulation

When your nervous system feels safe, connection becomes more available.

• Slow breathing or paced exhale

• Warmth, movement, or sensory grounding

• Nature, music, or calming rituals

• Rest—tiny moments count

• Noticing early signs of overwhelm and offering kindness instead of critique

2. Reflect Without Blame

Blocked care is not caused by the child or the parent—it arises in the space between, often shaped by stress, disconnection, or unmet needs.

It may help to ask:

• What’s feeling particularly hard to respond to?

• Are my efforts being received—or do I feel invisible or ineffective?

• What support is missing for me right now?

Self-reflection isn’t about blame. It’s about making space for new possibilities.

3. Reconnect in Gentle, Low-Pressure Ways

Closeness doesn’t need to be intense to be meaningful.

Start small:

• Sit beside each other during an activity, without expectations

• Use gentle tone, humour, or eye contact—if it feels natural

• Keep routines simple and transitions calm

• Acknowledge moments of connection, even fleeting ones

• Let play or shared focus lead the way, especially for neurodivergent children who connect differently

4. Seek Support If You Need It

Sometimes blocked care links back to older wounds, burnout, or patterns that deserve their own space to be seen and supported.

Help might look like:

• Reflective parenting support

• Therapy for trauma, stress, or emotional overwhelm

• Peer support or compassionate consultation

Reaching out is not a sign of failure. It’s a brave step toward healing.

In Summary

Blocked care is a nervous system state, not a moral failing. It can happen to any caregiver—especially when the parenting journey is complex, intense, or misunderstood by the world around you.

It doesn’t mean you’ve done something wrong. It means your body has been doing its best to cope.

With the right support, connection can return. And often, it does.

If you’re noticing signs of blocked care in your parenting or your work with families, you're welcome to get in touch or explore support options. You don’t need to carry it alone.

Resources for Further Reading:

Hughes, D., & Baylin, J. (2012). Brain-Based Parenting: The Neuroscience of Caregiving for Healthy Attachment.  

Porges, S. (2011). The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, and Self-regulation.